Underfist: Return of the Spider Queen
by SteveAtwater
Summary: After facing down the aSTRoVaMPiReS, Underfist learns of an all-new threat seeking to take over the world–and this new threat is led by Velma Green! Will Underfist be able to stop the Spider Queen? Will Fred Fredburger eat nachos and frozen yogurt? Will there be cobwebs everywhere? Find out the answers to these questions and more in Underfist: Return of the Spider Queen!
1. Not That I'm Bitter or Anything

When you're the son of a friendless loser and what would have been a dateless loser had she not married the friendless loser that is your dad, you learn a lot of things. You learn to never accept a date from a cruel woman, because she's only doing it to ruin Valentine's Day for everyone else. You learn not to play board games with your family, because when Dad loses he runs away for six months and then ends up flooding the house with lava when he comes back–long story. You learn that it's not a good idea to turn into pants so your idiot cousin can pass the Presidential Fitness Test...wait, no, that one never happened.

The _point_ is, you learn a lot of things when you live beneath the Earth's surface. And one of the things you learn is that no matter _what_ you do or how amazingly _powerful_ you are, even if in your debut episode you pull a Jason Voorhees and in your second appearance you give the school bully exactly what he deserves, you STILL won't get to be on a team of action heroes! Oh, they'll give a position to the bald guy with anger management issues who wants to rule the world, sure! A green duck elephant whatever? Yeah, he gets a part! But the guy with shapeshifting demon powers and cool tentacles? Sorry, no room for you here!

Not that I'm bitter or anything. Now where was I? Oh yeah. Instead of getting to be part of the action, at best you're relegated to doing the opening spiel. Which, honestly, isn't that bad a gig. I'm getting paid for this whole story instead of just one chapter–take that, Extra 61! Yeah, I bet you feel really proud of your one line now!

Geez, what am I doing with my life? Comparing myself to an extra? To make myself feel better? That's just sad. Am I turning into my father? I really hope I'm not. No offense, Dad.

 _Anyway_ , where was I? Oh yeah. Even if you don't get to be part of the action, you can still follow along. All you have to do is sit around at home and stare at a screen. Congratulations. But this isn't just any story. It's the story of a team that faced down hordes of evil candy monsters who wanted to ruin Halloween, a would-be squid conqueror from the netherworld, and an invading force of aSTRoVaMPiReS! But danger never sleeps, and now Underfist has to come together to thwart a brand new menace in a brand new story!

Okay, fine, so it's Velma Green. The title gives it away. But they're still facing down a menace they've never faced before in this show, and this is a new story starring them, so shut up and enjoy it!


	2. We Finally Get to Resume the Story

Everything was a blank white void. A giant spider abdomen with the top half of a human woman serving as its upper body wandered into the void.

"Finally!" Velma said. "Three months after I utter that sequel hook line, we finally get to resume the story!"

The camera panned to Jeff the spider. "Yeah, do you know how short a spider's lifespan is?" he complained. "I could've died!"

An incredibly tall and muscular Irwin next to him spoke up. "I'm not upset. I went through puberty, yo!"

"Speak for yourself," Hoss said.

Hoss Delgado wasn't incorrect. He was bald, hunched over, and had to use a cane for support. One hand rested on his aching back. A metal cube with a bald head sticking out of it wheeled itself into the room.

"Like you've got anything to complain about," General Skarr said wearily.

Mandy walked in, dressed normally.

"Okay, this dumb gag has gone on long enough," she said.

Mandy took out a needle and shoved it into Irwin. The inflatable balloon popped, revealing Irwin standing behind it, fat and dorky as he ever was. She moved on to Hoss and ripped his bald cap off and then smacked the cane away. Hoss toppled to the ground awkwardly as Mandy walked over and kicked Skarr's metal cube. The cube fell apart, revealing Skarr's normal body inside, clad in nothing but underwear.

"Now listen up, you putzes," Mandy said. "I've got presidenting to do, so you nimrods are going to clean up this mess. Got it?"

Nobody replied.

"Good," Mandy said. She ripped her dress off, revealing that she was wearing a suit underneath it. Rockets popped out of her hair, and Mandy activated them. She took off and crashed through the roof of the white room, sending pieces of the roof raining down on the room and leaving the four members of Underfist and Velma Green the Spider Queen choking on her exhaust. Fred Fredburger walked up, munching on a cup of frozen yogurt.

"Hey guys!" he said cheerfully. "What'd I miss?"

"An entire scene of filler," Skarr said snarkily.

* * *

The group walked out of the blank white void that was actually just a break room for exhausted cartoon characters onto the soil of the aSTRoVaMPiRe Kuiper object. They stopped at the site where the last aSTRoVaMPiRe was still huddled on the ground, trying to process all that it had seen over the course of the previous day.

"Can we finally start the plot?" Velma asked impatiently.

"There's a plot?" Skarr said sarcastically. Hoss punched him.

"Quit wasting time with filler jokes about the writing!" Hoss roared. He turned to Velma, smiling. "Please continue."

"Continue with what?" Velma asked. "I don't even know where we're starting!"

"Well, where do you want to start?" Jeff asked pleasantly.

"Good question," Velma said. "Oh, I know! Let's start with how we were going to get married, and then you decided to leave me at the alter just because your idiot father who by the way will _never_ love you objected to you marrying a spider! Which you _are_ , for the record! How about we start there?"

Jeff looked at her oddly. "What are you talking about? I don't remember that at all."

Velma pulled at her hair in frustration. "Really? We had been dating for months! I was the queen of the spiders! We were having the biggest spider wedding in the history of the earth! The god of Spider Anger appeared to try and break us up! There were spiders everywhere! We took over Endsville Elementary for the reception! It was a TV movie!"

Jeff tapped his chin contemplatively. "That doesn't ring a bell."

Velma shut her eyes tightly as if to ward off an unpleasant image and then reopened them, slightly calmer. "Let me just recap everything that happened. A bunch of students were disappearing because I had assembled an army of spiders and dark elves to take them away. Then you told your dad we were getting married. You and he went off together, and you spilled his milk carton which actually housed the god of Spider Anger, and this made your dad really mad and you finally snapped at him for his horrible parenting. Meanwhile, I found out that Grim was hanging around Endsville Elementary, so I captured the school and Grim so I could eat his brains because he cheated to become the Grim Reaper–a position I should have had. You came back then and we got into a huge fight, while Mandy and Mindy beat up my spider army. Eventually I took Grim's head to the top of a spire so I could devour it, but I then saw another view of what had happened that revealed that he had actually stuffed the ballot box with ballots for _me_ after he caught Boogey stuffing the ballot box first. I was upset and thought Grim was cheating, so Grim angrily ran out, stole the scythe, and caused Boogey to fall into a pit of terror. This impressed the rest of the voters, and Grim got elected the Grim Reaper when they all voted for him. That's when your dad showed up and apologized to you, and it was revealed that the god of Spider Anger had possessed you. Then we made up and were about to get married, but your dad refused to let you marry another spider, so I decided to take over the world and unleashed a bunch of spiders onto it."

"And you almost did it, too!" Irwin piped up. "But when Grim got bored with Billy's screams, he summoned his scythe and made all the spiders explode!"

"What?" Velma asked, confused. "That never happened."

"Oh yeah?" Irwin asked smugly. "Then how come we're here and the Earth isn't dominated by spiders, yo?"

Jeff and Velma gave sidelong glances towards the camera.

"Fine," Velma said. "That's how it happened. But you peed your pants during the spider invasion."

"No I didn't!" Irwin said indignantly before slumping over, depressed. "Okay I did."

"But, what happened, next?" Fred asked. "Did everyone live, happily ever after? I like it, when stories, end with everyone living happily ever after. My mama tells me stories like that and, I like them. Especially, when there's cake, and babies!"

"There was no cake or babies," Velma said.

"Aw," Fred complained.

"Instead, there was _loneliness!_ " Velma exclaimed. "When Jeff left me at the altar, I was heartbroken! I decided to channel my emotions into taking over the planet, and then maybe a few other planets, but then Grim blew up my spider army so that was kaput. So instead, I just went underground and spent some time trying to get over my broken heart. And some money. Okay, a lot of money."

"What'd you spend it on?" General Skarr asked gleefully. "Tanks? Bombers? Nuclear weaponry? Armaments to destroy the world?"

"Ice cream," Velma said.

General Skarr stared at her, completely and utterly baffled.

"I needed to soothe my broken heart," Velma said, "and ice cream seemed the surest route! So I gorged, and gorged, and gorged, but nothing happened until I happened to tally up the ice cream I had eaten!"

Velma stopped, as though she was waiting for somebody to ask. Hoss obliged.

"How much ice cream did you–"

"Twenty thousand pounds!" Velma declared. "But then, then, I had an epiphany. I realized that my destiny was to go beyond my parents' wildest dreams, and conquer not one planet, not two planets, but every planet in the entire galaxy!"

Hoss scratched the back of his head. "Okay, where do the astrowhatsits come into the picture?"

Velma rolled her eyes. "Ah, yes, the aSTRoVaMPiReS."


	3. Give a Space Flea Bath to My Space Dog

"You see, conquering a galaxy isn't easy," Velma began.

"You don't say," Skarr said sarcastically. "I wouldn't know, seeing as how I never managed to CONQUER THE WORLD!"

"Oh, be quiet," Velma snapped. "Anyway, what I did was I went back to Spider Planet in Galaxy Omega Nine and rallied some troops. When I managed to get some spiders to follow me, I decided to start small. Instead of trying to take over an already-inhabited planet, I decided to set up some fortifications on small, uninhabited planets. So, I did. I took over a bunch of small planets you apes aren't able to see with your primitive telescopes. And then, I did the obvious next step and invaded insect-dominated planets!"

"Insect-dominated?" Jeff asked. "For food?"

Velma smirked. "I knew there was a reason I was willing to marry you." Her expression soured. " _Was_. So, after taking over these insect-dominated planets, we had a steady supply of food for my troops. I built up my armies as I set my sights on the next target: an inhabited planet! Of course, I didn't want to have to expand just because I had more weapons and more soldiers, so I decided to try diplomacy first. There's nothing like a state that peacefully bows down before you. So, I moved my warships into orbit and then sent down a delegation to invite the leaders of the aSTRoVaMPiRe planet to meet over a delicious picnic lunch. They agreed, naturally, but then ran away screaming." She tapped her chin. "I still don't understand why. I'm sure the steaks were cooked medium-rare."

"What if somebody wanted their steak well done?" Skarr asked.

Velma cast her a withering look. "Please. What idiot likes well-done steak?"

"Yeah!" Hoss agreed. "Real men eat it raw!"

Skarr looked down at his underwear-clad body and shrunk in on himself.

"Anyway, the aSTRoVaMPiReS all surrendered and then fled their planet for this tiny rock," Velma continued. "We let them go, because hey, a planet is a planet, right? And then I guess they tried to take over the Earth. Go figure."

Jeff looked at her suspiciously. "Hey, you're not planning to do that again, are you?"

"Heavens no!" Velma said, waving him off. "Of course not, I would never do...say, is that the smoldering wreckage of your spaceship over there?"

Underfist looked over at the smoking remains of their rocket, currently lying in a crater created when they smashed into the aSTRoVaMPiRe Kuiper Object.

"Yes!" Fred said enthusiastically. "We got it from B and G, in the secret mad scientist lab-or-a-tor-ies. And it's the best rocket ship ever! It goes into space super fast, and then it crashes kaboom, and we get to be friends with each other and that von Goulash guy who never makes any sense at all, even to me!"

"Right..." Velma said. "Well, I'm just going to go, um, give a space flea bath to my space dog. Bye!"

Velma skittered over to her spaceship and climbed aboard. It took off into the sky.

"What a nice lady!" Fred said happily.


	4. It's Very Rude to Yell

"Yeah, Fred, that sure was a nice lady," Hoss agreed. "That spider body was some kind of creepy, though."

"Yeah," Irwin said. "But I kinda feel sorry for the aSTRoVaMPiReS now. I mean, leaving their own planet and having to settle down on a Kuiper object? That's sad, yo. I'd hate to be kicked off of Earth by some invading force, so I can't imagine what it must've been like for them."

"Don't feel sorry for them, Brett," Hoss said. "They were horrible monsters who deserved to die. I just wonder where she's gonna conquer next."

"She's heading for Earth, you dolt," General Skarr said grumpily.

"What?" Jeff asked, shocked. "No way. I know Velma, and she wouldn't lie to us just so she could take over our world."

Skarr smacked his forehead. "Are you kidding me? That spaceship took off in the direction of Earth, and we're stranded on this miserable planet–"

"Kuiper object," Irwin interjected.

"WHATEVER!" Skarr yelled. " _We_ are stuck _here_ , and the world is defenseless!"

"Pshaw," Jeff said. "What about all the militaries? And that Evil Con Carne group? And of course there's Grim. He took care of things last time, I guess, although I really don't remember any of it."

Skarr grit his teeth. "Grim can't save the world this time!"

"Why not?" Hoss asked. "That bonehead is pretty competent. You know, when he's not being bossed around by those two kids, uh, who were they?"

"Billy and–" Irwin started to say.

"Bianca and Martin!" Hoss proclaimed. "Right. So that spider chick isn't heading for Earth, and even if she were, Grim would take care of it. We're perfectly safe."

"NO WE'RE NOT!" General Skarr screamed. "GAH! THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS _UNDERFIST!_ IT IS NOT _THE GRIM ADVENTURES OF BILLY AND MANDY!_ IF IT WERE, MAYBE GRIM WOULD SAVE THE DAY, BUT SINCE THE NAME OF THE SHOW IS _UNDERFIST,_ IT'S UP TO US TO SAVE THE WORLD! ESPECIALLY SINCE THE NAME OF THE SPECIAL IS 'RETURN OF THE SPIDER QUEEN,' WHICH MEANS WE'LL HAVE TO CONFRONT VELMA AT SOME POINT, PROBABLY IN A BIG BATTLE!"

Everyone looked at General Skarr, shocked.

"You know, it's very rude to yell," Hoss said calmly.

"Hold on, hold on," Jeff said. "Let me just get this straight. Skarr, you're telling me that because this show is named after our group, we'll have to save the day every time?"

"Yes," Skarr said, frustrated.

"And because this one is titled _Underfist: Return of the Spider Queen_ , you think that we'll have to fight Velma?" Jeff asked.

"Yes," Skarr said.

"And Velma will be taking over the Earth again so we'll have a reason to fight?" Jeff asked.

"YES!" Skarr yelled.

Jeff's eyes widened. "Gee, guys, I think Skarr's right. Velma's gonna take over the Earth again."

" _Thank_ you," Skarr said.

"What?" Hoss asked, shocked. "She can't do that! That's my turf!"

"So what do we do, yo?" Irwin asked worriedly. "The rocket's out of commission, we don't have any other ships, and we're stranded on an alien Kuiper object! It's the end of the world, yo!"

Fred gave Irwin a heavy pat on the back, sending him sprawling forward. "It's okay," Fred said. "I still have my frozen yogurt!"

Jeff looked around the Kuiper object contemplatively. His eyes settled on the still catatonic aSTRoVaMPiRe, and he blinked as he got an idea.

"Hey guys, I have an idea," Jeff said.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Irwin yelled before collapsing into a crying heap. Meanwhile, General Skarr started fighting with Fred Fredburger over the frozen yogurt.

"I don't _care_ if it's your yogurt, I don't want to stave to death!" Skarr angrily told the crying green creature.

"But-but it's mine!" Fred said unhappily. "My frozen yogurt that I got from the frozen yogurt place!"

Hoss knelt down next to Jeff. "What is it, you creepy giant spider?"

"Well, the aSTRoVaMPiReS go into space all the time," Jeff said. "So I was just thinking, they must know how to get into outer space and use spaceships and stuff. So if we can get one of them to help us, we can go to Earth and save the world."

Hoss stood up. "Good thinking, Jeff!"

Hoss looked over and spotted the catatonic aSTRoVaMPiRe. He squared his shoulders, took a deep breath, and confidently walked over to the aSTRoVaMPiRe. He picked it up by the scruff of its neck and punched it in the face.

"How do we get into space? Talk!" Hoss demanded.

Hoss punched the aSTRoVaMPiRe in the face again.


	5. Nothing Can Match the Pain I Feel Inside

The aSTRoVaMPiRe put its hands over its aching face. "And why should I help you?" it asked in a nasal voice.

"Because if you don't, I'll continue to punch you," Hoss informed the aSTRoVaMPiRe.

The aSTRoVaMPiRe lowered its hands. "Go ahead. Nothing can match the pain I feel inside."

Hoss growled. "We'll see about that."

Hoss raised his fist again. Before he could deliver another mighty punch, he was interrupted.

"WAIT!" Irwin yelled. "I think I can get it to help us with diplomacy, yo!" He turned to the aSTRoVaMPiRe. "Okay, I get that you might be angry at us because we took over your Kuiper object, but it's only because you invaded us. Now we're being invaded again, so could you please help us get back to Earth so we can fight off our invasion? Please?"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe turned its head away.

"Alright, Leonard, we did this your way," Hoss said. "Now let's do it my way."

Hoss pulled his fist back again. Skarr stepped between the two.

"No," Skarr said.

"What?" Hoss asked, angry and confused.

Skarr ignored him. "Listen here, aSTRoVaMPiRe. I don't like you. None of us like you. And you don't like us. Because we conquered you. But we're not the first ones. The spiders conquered you before we did. And now, they're looking to conquer us. So maybe you don't like us. But I'm willing to guess you like the spiders even less. Without the spiders, we wouldn't have conquered you. Now, you have two options. Help us and let the spiders be the ultimate winners...or join us and get revenge on the spiders."

"Now, I know for a fact that we can defeat the spiders," Skarr continued. "But we need to get to Earth if we're going to stop them. You know how to get us to Earth. So what'll it be? Do you want revenge...or do you want to rot on this dead space rock?"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe stared into Skarr's face and considered the general's words.

"Plus," Jeff added, "we might end up destroying each other completely when we fight. Then you'll have revenge on both of us!"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe made up its mind. It stood up, brushed itself off, and looked Underfist over.

"Fine," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said. "I'll help. I want revenge on the Spider Queen."

"Good!" Hoss said cheerily. "So you'll get us off this stupid planet?"

"I want to go to the planet of frozen yogurt and nachos!" Fred piped up. "I went there, once, and it was, filled with a bunch of guys, who liked frozen yogurt, and nachos! Yes! And they liked, how I could spell my name, real good! Wanna hear? It goes like this–"

"We know how it goes, yo!" Irwin interrupted. "Now we wanna go home!"

"And I can help with that," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said. "You'll just have to do exactly what I say."

The members of Underfist looked at each other nervously, except for Fred, who looked ahead obliviously.

"Fine," Skarr said. "What do you want us to do?"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe grinned nastily. "First, I want you to apologize. Then, I'm going to need to use the spider's silk glands."

Jeff covered himself awkwardly. The aSTRoVaMPiRe looked at Underfist expectantly.

"What?" Hoss grunted.

"My apology?" the aSTRoVaMPiRe prompted.

"Sorry!" Fred said happily.

"And what are you sorry for?" the aSTRoVaMPiRe asked.

Fred shrugged. The aSTRoVaMPiRe's face darkened.

"Well then, maybe I'll just let you get off this Kuiper object on your own," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said bitterly. "Good luck with that!"

"No, no, wait," Jeff said. "Look, we're sorry for invading your Kuiper object and steaking your friends."

"Yeah," Hoss said awkwardly. "Sorry about that."

"I'm super sorry that I helped," Skarr said flatly.

"Sorry, yo!" Irwin said.

The aSTRoVaMPiRe looked at Fred. "Now the short one."

"I'm sorry!" Fred said happily.

"And why are you sorry?" the aSTRoVaMPiRe prompted.

Fred stuck his finger in his nose. "I'm sorry because Mama always says to apologize if somebody wants you to because it's nice, and because you might have accidentally hurt their feelings, so you should say sorry just in case, because that's what nice people do!"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe rolled his eyes. "Fine. Now get those silk glands revved up, you arachnid!"

"Okay, why do you need my silk glands?" Jeff asked nervously.

The aSTRoVaMPiRe looked at him sourly. "Spider silk is stronger than steel, isn't it?"

"Five times stronger, actually," Jeff said proudly.

"Then you're gonna need to weave us a spaceship," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said.

The aSTRoVaMPiRe pulled out some blueprints and handed them to Jeff. The spider looked them over and then looked up.

"Anyone got some jellybeans?" Jeff asked unhappily.

Fred tossed a huge handful of jellybeans into Jeff's mouth. Jeff chewed them, and his face quickly wrinkled up in disgust.

"I hate black jellybeans..." Jeff said queasily.

Jeff finished chewing, swallowed, and began shooting spider silk while staring at the blueprints. Slowly but surely, a machine made out of spider silk began to take form. General Skarr walked in front of the camera.

"We will return after this important message from our sponsors," Skarr said. "BUY SOMETHING, YOU IDIOTS!"


	6. All of This Came Out of Jeff's Butt

"Red! Yellow! Black!" Jeff demanded. Fred shoveled the jellybeans into his mouth in the order he requested. "A few more yellow...okay, good!"

Jeff finished shooting spider silk and took a step back. Underfist gazed at what he had woven: a large flying saucer with the Underfist logo on the bottom. As they looked at the spaceship, a door opened and a walkway slid down. The group of six followed the walkway into the saucer.

Inside, the flying saucer was composed of a bunch of technologically advanced material. Computers and blinking lights covered the dashboard, and large tinted windows allowed a complete view of everything around them. Irwin gaped as he gazed around the flying saucer.

"This is like a dream come true, yo!" he gushed. "I've always wanted to ride in a super-advanced spaceship!"

Hoss looked around appraisingly. "It's hard to believe all of this came out of Jeff's butt."

The aSTRoVaMPiRe smirked. "As you can see, our technology is far beyond anything you could come up with."

"So now what?" Jeff asked.

"I think my spaceship knows which way to go," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said, pressing the autopilot button. The spaceship lifted off the ground and headed towards Earth.

* * *

Gladys and Harold sat at their kitchen table, sipping coffee.

"So, Harold," Gladys said, eye twitching, "have you seen our son?"

Billy's dad shrugged. "I think he's with Mandy and Grim, playing mad scientist."

Gladys's eye began twitching faster. "Mad...scientist?" She let out a nervous giggle. "I always knew our boy was a smart one."

Gladys sipped from her empty coffee cup. Harold looked at his cup, picked some earwax from his ear, and belched.

"I'm just going to go, check up on him," Gladys said calmly, eye still twitching. She slammed her coffee cup down on the table, smashing it, and walked out the door. Seconds later she ran back inside, screaming.

"HAROLD! SP-SP-SP-SPIDER!"

Billy's dad chuckled. "Ah, women. Always afraid of spiders."

Harold stood up and walked outdoors.

"Okay, mister spider," he said. Gladys listened from inside the house nervously. "You scared my wife, and that's not kosher! Now get out of here, or I'll squash you!"

The sounds of spider silk being woven around a victim were heard.

"AAH!" Harold screamed. "NO! NO! NO! NO! AAAH! GLADYS HELP! AAAH! GIANT SPIDER! AAAAAAHHHH!"

The spider picked up the silkbound Harold and scurried away. Gladys clutched her knees to her chest and began rocking back and forth.

"It's okay, it's okay," Gladys muttered to herself. "It's okay, it's okay, it's okay..."

* * *

When the flying saucer entered the Earth's atmosphere, those aboard found that the world below had changed a lot. There were spiderwebs everywhere, and spider troops patrolled the streets. As they watched, a man ran screaming through the streets only to be quickly webbed up and dragged away.

"What do we do now, yo?" Irwin asked, voice quivering.

"I think we should try diplomacy," Jeff said calmly. "After all, I'm sure Velma can be reasonable about this."

"No way, José," Hoss said. "What we're gonna do is go down there and beat the snot out of those eight-legged freaks until they decide to leave Earth!"

"Hey!" Jeff complained. "I'm one of those eight-legged freaks!"

Hoss scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Well, uh, you know I didn't mean you. Right?"

Jeff looked at Hoss suspiciously. "Who did you mean, then?"

"Well, uh, the spiders down there!" the bounty hunter said. "You know, the freaky outer space ones. Taking over our planet. Right now."

"Tell us more about freaks from outer space," the aSTRoVaMPiRe snarked.

"Don't get cheeky with me, you," Hoss said. "Or I might have to _show_ you where the beef is."

"You left it all on my Kuiper object," the aSTRoVaMPiRe pointed out.

Hoss scratched his head awkwardly. "Oh yeah. I did."

"I think we should go down, and try to make friends!" Fred said. "Because, because friends, are what makes the world go round, so we should, we should have as many of them as we can. Yes!"

"Oh, great idea," General Skarr said sarcastically. "And after that, we can all ride ponies together."

Fred's eyes grew wide with happiness. "Ponies?"

"Yes, through a field of gumdrops and chocolate and we are not going to be friends with them!" Skarr shouted. "They're our enemies!"

Below them, an airhorn blasted and a bullhorn was turned on. "Hello, unidentified spacecraft! Land now so we can capture you, or face the consequences."

The aSTRoVaMPiRe smacked himself in the forehead. "Great. We've been spotted."

"Only one thing to do," Hoss said.

"Run away?" Irwin suggested.

"Diplomacy?" Jeff guessed.

"Nachos?" Fred asked.

"Wrong!" Hoss said. "We go down there and kick some spider–whoa!"

Suddenly, the flying saucer took off into the sky. Everyone looked over and saw that Skarr had pushed the retreat button.

"Are you nuts, you bald-headed weirdo?" Hoss barked.

"Hardly," Skarr said. "I'm getting us out of here so we don't all die."

"We're not going to die!" Hoss said angrily. "This is a kids show!"

"Actually, it's a spin-off of a kids show that originally starred the Grim Reaper," Irwin pointed out.

"Whatever, Devon!" Hoss said. "The point is, we need to go down there right now and kick some spider butt!"

"With what?" Skarr asked angrily. "In case you haven't noticed, we're outnumbered, outstrategized, and we've lost the element of surprise! What options do we possibly still have open?"

"Diplomacy?" Jeff asked.

"NO DIPLOMACY!" Hoss yelled. "We don't negotiate with monsters! Or space invaders! This is war!"

"War is my speciality!" Skarr said angrily. "But I need an army! _Where_ are we _ever_ going to find an _army?_ "

Fred spoke up. "I have an army, in my toy chest, but they're all friends, and they enjoy hugging and talking about their feelings."

"We should go to Mars," Irwin said.

Everyone else looked at him like he was nuts. Hoss rolled his eye.

"Oh yeah, great idea!" Hoss said. "We'll just run away and abandon Earth to the spiders! Sure, why not?"

"No, I mean–" Irwin started to say.

"I'll tell you why not, George!" Hoss said. "It's because Earth is our home, and as Underfist, we swore we'd protect it! And now you want to abandon it for another planet just because a bunch of spiders have taken it over? No way! Uh-uh! We're going to save the earth, and that's final!"

"I mean we can get an army on Mars, yo!" Irwin said.

Skarr gave him an odd look. "Where?"

"I think, on Mars," Fred said, nodding.

"Yeah," Jeff said. "Irwin's saying we can find an army on Mars."

Skarr smacked himself in the forehead. "I understood that, you ninnies! I mean, how?"

"Remember that time the zombie army took over the world when Grim left Earth after he was told that would get him out of his friendship contract with Billy and Mandy?" Irwin asked.

Everyone else looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Nope," Skarr said.

"Doesn't ring a bell," Jeff said.

"Uh-uh," Fred said.

"I wasn't on that show," the aSTRoVaMPiRe added.

"I'm pretty sure I'd remember if zombies ever took over the world," Hoss said.

"Oh come on!" Irwin cried, irritated. "I was a knight, and I had a catapult to impress Mandy, but she used it to toss me into the recycling center, and then Billy used my catapult to launch Grim's favorite childhood toy into traffic, and then Grim complained about being stuck with Billy and Mandy, and then a guy in a suit and straw hat showed up and told Grim that the arrangement was only legally binding if they all stayed together on Earth, so Grim packed his bags, but me and Billy and Mandy hid in Grim's trunk, and we went to Mars, where it turned out the man in the suit was the Martian Reaper, Morg, and he had turned the entire planet into zombies who would cater to his every whim, and then we fell out of the spaceship and onto Mars, and then got rescued by a NASA Mars probe before we could crash into the planet, and then the rover pinched my butt, and then we got attacked by zombies but this Mars monster ate the zombies, and then the monster puked all over me, and then we tried to get Grim back but he refused because he hates Billy and Mandy, so he and Morg conquered Earth, and we were stuck on Mars while Morg and Grim prepared for Phase Two of their plan, but their plan needed somebody really stupid like Billy, but Morg didn't want Grim to be thinking about Billy and Mandy so he suggested they play a board game, so Grim got a board game but then decided to go into a room he wasn't supposed to enter, and he found a bunch of disintegrated reapers from the other planets, but pretended he was going to go along with Morg's plans even though he was secretly planning to betray Morg, and then we stole a spaceship from the Martian armada and landed it on Earth, but we all got captured by zombies and dragged away to Morg's center of operations, where he put me and Mandy in stasis so we didn't get to make out, and we had to watch as Morg used Billy's dumb brain in his zombie mind control machine, but I needed to pee, so Morg threw me and Mandy into a huge pit, and then a giant beetle came out, and then I screamed, and then it ran away, and then I realized I had saved Mandy, and then an even bigger beetle came out and ate me, and then Mandy used the beetle for her own scheme to stop Morg, and then Billy convinced Grim to help, so Grim came over to help Mandy but they got surrounded by zombies, but Billy made them all dance and sing until Morg's machine exploded, and then Mandy and Grim came over to stop Morg, and then Billy accidentally shot him into space, but Morg opened up a portal and escaped, and Grim and Mandy and Billy didn't care enough to hunt him down, and then I managed to escape the beetle although you don't wanna know how, and then in the end credits me and Billy were back on Mars, and it was originally supposed to be a direct-to-DVD special but Cartoon Network decided to make it a regular episode, yo!"

Irwin finished his long-winded recap and finally looked around only to see that everyone else had fallen asleep. Hoss snorted and woke up, startled.

"Who what where how!" he blurted. He spotted Irwin. "Oh, right. Good, uh, good story, Emma."

"IT'S IRWIN!" Irwin howled. "And it's all real! That really happened, yo! You and Skarr were there too!"

"I'm sorry," Jeff said, yawning, "but what's your point?"

"My point?" Irwin asked. "My point? My point is, if we go to Mars, we can get the Martian Reaper to help us out with his army!"

"That's stupid," General Skarr said.

"My mama, says there are no stupid ideas, only stupid people, who insult other people, when they have ideas," Fred said. He nodded sagely. "That's what, my mama says."

"Fred's right," Jeff said. "We've got nothing to lose."

"So now we're going to Mars?" the aSTRoVaMPiRe asked.

"That's right," Jeff said. "Skarr, we're gonna get you an army."

General Skarr rubbed his hands together with sinister glee. "Well then, let's go to Mars."

The aSTRoVaMPiRe rolled his eyes and punched in some coordinates. The spaceship headed towards the red planet.


	7. On Earth We Have Nachos

"I don't really see why I should help you."

Morg stared down at Underfist and the aSTRoVaMPiRe. They had crashed into the middle of his military base, and had been rounded up and brought before him by his army of zombies. At the moment, they stood in front of a throne made of bones, where Moog sat comfortably, sipping a drink with an eyeball floating in it and getting fanned by zombies with palm fronds. This stood as a sharp contrast to the polished metal interior and tile floor on which Underfist were forced to kneel before him.

"Please, you've got to help us!" Jeff said. "The fate of the Earth hangs in the balance! Without your help, Earth will be dominated by spiders, which isn't so bad, I guess, but I've– _we've–_ been tasked with saving the world from those who threaten it. And right now, it's being threatened! So you have to help us save the world."

Morg took a sip of his drink and smacked his lips. "I don't care."

"Listen, you zombie-enslaving reaper!" Hoss barked. "I'm a monster hunter from way back, and I'm telling you, we need your army if we're going to kick the butts of all these zombies and save the world. Now you better hand it over, or there's gonna be trouble."

Morg laughed and took another sip. "Perhaps you didn't hear me. I don't care."

"Ooh! My turn!" Fred said.

"Oh, this oughta be good," Morg said sarcastically.

"On Earth, we have nachos," Fred said. "And nachos, are delicious. I like nachos! And I like hot dogs! And there are hot dogs, too! Hot dogs, and, nachos! Yes! And I can spell my name real good! F-R-E-D F-R-E-D-B-U-R-Ggggggggggg-E-R! Fred Fredburger yes! So the world, it should be saved, because then there will be nachos! And hot dogs! And I have to go potty, where is it, thank you very much yes."

Fred Fredburger walked off towards the nearest bathroom. Morg rolled his eyes and stood up.

"You all seem to be hard of hearing," Morg said. "So let me just make this clear. I don't care about your planet. The amount I care can be measured in atomic weight, and the atomic weight is zero. If your world dies, it has no impact on me at all. And since I know some of you were once my zombie slaves, and at least one of you tried to defeat me, I have a simple solution to the problem of you being in my antechamber." He summoned his scythe. "Prepare for zombification!"

"WAIT!" Irwin yelled. "I KNOW WHY YOU SHOULD HELP US!"

Morg lowered his scythe and pretended to examine his nails. "Make it good, little boy."

"Instead of zombifying us, why not help us and zombify the spiders?" Irwin asked. "Then, you'd have a huge army of zombies, and a huge army of zombie spiders! We'd get our home back, and you'd get zombie spiders! It's a win all around!"

Morg looked at him, intrigued. "Supplement my army of scary monsters and super creeps with some spiders from Mars? That's genius!" Morg grinned. "Little boy, you have a deal."

"So you'll help us?" Jeff asked.

"Just shake my hand and we'll have a deal," Morg confirmed.

Irwin reached for Morg's outstretched hand. Before he could shake, General Skarr shoved him away.

"Ahem!" Skarr said. " _I'm_ the one who will be leading this army, thank you."

General Skarr reached out and shook Morg's hands. As he did so, thunder crashed.

The group looked over to where the sound came from and saw a pair of zombies who had just dropped a sheet of aluminum.

"So, about my army..." Skarr prompted.

"Don't worry," Morg said. "We will unleash the tin machines and diamond dogs onto the spiders that have captured your world! That fool Grim will see me return and bow down, and we can be heroes!"

"We can be heroes?" Fred asked, eyes sparkling with hope.

"Just for one day," Morg confirmed.


	8. It's Not in the Script

Billy, Mandy, and Grim huddled together in a makeshift bunker in Washington D.C. They looked out on the city as spiders wreaked havoc.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Velma could be heard calling in the distance. "Come out and surrender the earth to me, puny apes!"

Billy, lying catatonic on the bunker floor, quivered a bit more when he heard the spider woman's voice. Mandy just stared out at the captured city with angry eyes. Grim stood next to her, bored as could be.

"I still don't see why I can't just go out there and reap them," Grim grumbled.

Mandy rolled her eyes. "The title of the show is _Underfist,_ not–"

"Yeah, yeah, I read the fourth chapter too," Grim said. "This just stinks, that's all! I mean, I have the power to end this plot immediately, and instead what am I stuck doing? Hiding in a hole with you two brats while the main characters get all the screentime!"

"Now you know how I feel," Nergal Jr. said.

"What the–how did you get in here?" Grim asked, completely confused.

Nergal Jr. shrugged. "Apparently my introduction was 'tasteless' and 'totally unprofessional,' so the producers wanted me to watch how a 'real professional like Extra 61 does things.'"

Mandy rolled her eyes. "Just go home, Junior."

Nergal Jr. left the bunker, and Grim and Mandy resumed staring at the battlefield. Spiders trundled past and over the bunker, ignoring it completely. One of them passed by, carrying Harold.

"Hey, guys!" Harold yelled, spotting them. "Help me! Help me! C'mon, I'm Billy's dad! You know me! Help!"

"Should we help him?" Grim asked boredly.

Mandy shrugged. "Nah. It's not in the script."

"What is in the script?" Grim asked.

"Apparently, Extra 61's line is coming up right about now," Mandy said.

"Good," Grim said. "Maybe then we'll see some action."

Another few minutes passed. Grim and Mandy grew more and more impatient.

"A real professional, my bony white–" Grim started to grumble.

"Don't worry, guys!" a voice behind them declared. "I'm sure Underfist will arrive at any moment to save our bacon!"

Immediately after Extra 61 made this proclamation, the Underfist spaceship crashed through the roof of the bunker and landed on top of him. A door opened in the spaceship, and Irwin hopped out.

"We're here to rescue you, yo!" Irwin said proudly. "Now how about a kiss?"

Irwin puckered up. Mandy punched him in the face, sending him flying backwards. He bounced off the spaceship and fell to the ground. The walkway unfurled onto him, and Irwin groaned as Mandy boarded the spaceship. Grim followed, carrying Billy with him. The walkway rewound itself, and Jeff shot a web out to pick up Irwin and pulled him into the spaceship. The door shut, and the flying saucer took off into the sky. Once they had ascended a few hundred feet, it shot forward for a few miles and then stopped, hovering over a battlefield.

On the battlefield below, zombies and spiders were fighting for supremacy. Although the spiders were more dextrous and faster, the zombies had the advantage of being almost unstoppable. From above it appeared to be a stalemate, because the zombies were taking heavy casualties but always getting up while the spiders were taking only small losses but these losses turned into all new spider zombie enemies. As the passengers on the Underfist ship watched, they noticed the spiders slowly getting pushed back.

"Wow," Mandy said. "The spiders are really under pressure."

"Yeah!" Grim said. "Nice job, guys! Although those zombies look awfully familiar..."

"No thanks are necessary, citizens," Hoss said. "It's all in a day's work for Hoss Delgado!"

"And Fred Fredburger!" Fred chimed in.

"Sure," Hoss said flatly. "And Fred Fredburger."

"Don't forget me," Skarr said. "I got us the army."

"Hey, yeah," Mandy said. "How did you get that zombie army, anyway?"

"Oh, we made a deal with the Mars Reaper," Irwin said loftily.

"YOU WHAT?" Grim screamed.

* * *

On the ground, the spiders found themselves getting hemmed in by the zombie forces.

"We're in trouble here, sir!" Velma's general screamed.

"Keep fighting!" Velma said desperately. "We can't lose now! Not now! Not when we're so close! And not to some zombies!"

"Keep fighting, troops!" the general commanded.

On his ship, Morg laughed as the spiders launched themselves into the breach again. "Fools! It is time to release the TVC 1-5!"

The Martian zombies on his ship pressed some buttons, and the bottom of the spaceship opened so that a giant TV set could be dropped onto the battlefield. The set landed with a massive crunch, crushing several spiders, and then wheeled itself towards the remaining spider troops. The spiders tried to fight it, but the television began devouring the spiders.

"NO!" the general screamed.

"Keep it together, Iggy!" Velma commanded.

"My girlfriend is in there!" Iggy the general screamed. "Sir! It's no longer safe here! Run! Save yourself! I'll hold them off until you can get to safety!"

"No!" Velma said. "We can still win this!"

"We can't win this battle!" Iggy said frantically. "Run!"

Velma skittered away towards the outskirts of the city. Before she left the field of battle completely, she looked back in anger.

"You _will_ lose," she muttered to herself. "Oh yes. This planet will one day belong to Velma Green."

* * *

"That guy is a menace!" Grim ranted. "A maniac! A madman! A monster! No offense."

"None taken," Irwin said.

"Plus, he's gonna totally try to take over the world again," Grim said.

"And that's my job," Mandy said. "So now, you knuckleheads are going to fix the mess you created."

"How are we supposed to do that?" Jeff asked.

Mandy pressed a button on the ship's control panel, and the floor opened up beneath Underfist. They fell towards earth, screaming all the way.


	9. Find a Little Bit of Closure

The remnants of the spider forces huddled against a brick wall in a back alley as the now massively-enlarged zombie army, ranks swelled by the multiple fallen spider soldiers, closed in on them. A line of soldiers stood in front of Velma, but things looked bad. A black widow lieutenant cast one of its many eyes at Velma.

"Miss Green, sir, what do we do?" she asked, voice quavering.

"Release the glass spider!" Velma commanded.

A gigantic glass spider leaped off of the building behind them, landed in front of the zombies, and promptly shattered in front of the zombies. The zombies stared at the broken glass for a few seconds before continuing their endless march. As they closed in, screaming could be heard from above them. Velma looked up and quickly jumped aside as the members of Underfist landed where she was seconds before. Fred popped his head out of the pile.

"We came to help! Yes!" Fred said happily.

"You!" Velma exclaimed, shocked.

"That's right, yo!" Irwin said. "We're gonna get you out of this mess that we, uh, accidentally created?"

Hoss calibrated his blaster and chainsaw leg. "That's right. Now let's go blast some zombies!"

Velma sighed and collapsed in on herself. "Don't bother."

"What?" Jeff asked, shocked.

"Let's face it, it's all over," Velma said sadly. "I mean, what was I thinking? I'd conquer the galaxy? Really? I couldn't even conquer Earth for more than five minutes. I couldn't become the Reaper, I couldn't get married, I've couldn't have any accomplishments! I've never done good things, I've never done bad things, I've never done anything! What am I but a failure, anyway?"

The zombies halted a few feet away from the remnants of the spider army. Underfist looked around uneasily–all except for Jeff, who was focused on Velma.

"You're not a failure," he said.

Velma looked at him, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. "What?" she asked.

"You're not a failure," Jeff repeated. "I mean, think about it. You conquered a bunch of planets, you would've conquered the Earth the first time around if it weren't for Grim's scythe, you conquered it here until we brought a zombie army from Mars with us to fight you which in hindsight wasn't the smartest idea, and you would have been the Reaper if it weren't for Boogey's interference. You're a lot stronger than you think you are, and honestly? Ever since our wedding day, I've regretted having left you at the altar. I know I never said I'm sorry, but I am, Velma. I'm sorry I broke your heart."

Behind them, someone began clapping slowly. They turned and saw the aSTRoVaMPiRe standing in front of the zombie army, slowly applauding with a smirk on its' face.

"Oh, don't mind me," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said. "Go ahead, confess your feelings to each other. Find a little bit of closure. It's only fitting, since I'm about to crush you."

"Wait," General Skarr said, shocked. "I thought we were on the same side!"

"Really?" the aSTRoVaMPiRe drawled. "And what made you think that? Was it when I agreed to help Morg? Or perhaps it was when I gave you blueprints for a spaceship? Oh, I know! It was when you killed everyone I ever loved and then beat me up until I agreed to help you! That explains so much! Like how I hate each and every one of you and plan to crush you beneath my zombie army!"

"Hey!" Velma complained. "I never did anything to you!"

"You conquered my world!" the aSTRoVaMPiRe said. "You conquered my world and forced us all to move to a tiny, overcrowded Kuiper object! Without you, Underfist would never have driven us to the brink of extinction." The aSTRoVaMPiRe transitioned to a smile. "Of course, without you, I never would have gotten command of the zombie army that's about to enslave you _and_ your entire army. So I suppose I should thank you. Now, I have power! I have respect! And nothing will ever take that away from me!"

A hand reached out and tapped the aSTRoVaMPiRe on the shoulder. It turned around and received a steak to the face.

"WHY?" the aSTRoVaMPiRe screamed as it writhed on the ground. "WHY? WHY?"

"Because it's funny," Morg said. "And because _I'm_ the one who gets to make the big villainous speech. Now, let's see...oh yes. You're all going to fall before me, and nobody will miss you because they will have become part of my zombie army. Even now, you are surrounded by my ever circling skeletal family, and because of all you've seen, because of all you've said, you are the dead. Now let's dance!"

The zombies began to advance. Suddenly, Grim materialized in front of Underfist.

"Oh no!" Morg exclaimed, scared witless. "It's the thin white duke!"

"Wrong!" Grim declared. "It's the Grim Reaper!"

Grim slammed the edge of his scythe on the ground, and the zombies all exploded. Morg looked around frantically and grabbed his scythe.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT EARLIER, YO?" Irwin screamed, freaking out.

Grim grinned. "Hey, what can I say? I love the drama."

"Love this!" Morg said angrily, leaping at Grim. Scythes clashed with a bright flash, and the force of the impact pushed them both back five feet. They charged at each other again and clashed, swiping at each other frantically with their scythes. When one of Grim's blows got too close to Morg's torso, the reaper leapt out of the way and slashed at Grim. Grim dodged the magical bolt and locked scythes with Morg again. They got in each other's faces, growling.

"Guys!" Irwin said. "What are you doing?"

"Watching the Reaper fight, duh," Jeff said.

"It's strangely mesmerizing," Skarr said.

"C'mon, Morg!" Hoss said. "I got five dollars riding on you!"

"Guys, we can win this!" Irwin said. "We can defeat Morg, but we need to help Grim!"

Jeff straightened up. "You're right. We've gotta send Morg far away from here. Underfist, go!"

"I'm on it!" Hoss said, calibrating his arm cannon.

"Let's do this!" Skarr said, drawing a sword out of his uniform.

"Where did you get that sword?" Fred asked.

"Don't ask questions," Skarr said.

Skarr leapt at Morg and stabbed him in the leg. Morg leaped away, directly into the fists of Jeff. Grim backed up a few steps while Morg fought to hold off both Jeff and General Skarr. Meanwhile, Fred did a dance to try and distract Morg.

"Stop dancing!" Morg spat. "This ain't rock 'n' roll! This is–"

"Time to end this!" Grim declared, opening a portal directly behind Morg.

"Say goodnight, starman!" Hoss declared, and sent a cannonball soaring into Morg's gut. The force of the impact sent Morg sailing through the portal.

"I STILL HAVE MY SCYTHE!" Morg yelled as Grim brought his own scythe down and closed the portal. Underfist, Grim, and Velma Green gathered and stared at the scorched mark on the earth where the portal had stood moments before.

"Ashes to ashes, fun to funky," Skarr said dryly.


	10. Don't Worry Buddy

Grim dusted off his hands.

"Well, that takes care of that," he said.

Hoss held up his hand for a high-five. Grim ignored him and opened a new portal. He went through the portal, and it shut behind him.

It was at this moment that the members of Underfist happened to notice that Velma was completely still. She had a thousand-yard stare pointed at nothing at all.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jeff asked.

Velma shook her head and regained lucidity. "Sure."

A few seconds later, Velma's face fell. "No."

"You wanna talk about it?" Jeff asked.

Velma shook her head. "I think I need to go reexamine my life."

Velma sang a few notes, and a crevice opened up a few feet away. She skittered over to the crack in the earth.

"Wait, Velma?" Jeff said. Velma stopped on the edge of the hole but didn't turn around. "Call me?"

Velma stood at the edge for a few more seconds before leaping into the crevice. Jeff slumped. Hoss walked over and put a companionable arm around the spider's shoulders.

"Don't worry, buddy," Hoss said friendlily. "She'll come around."

"Like Eris?" Skarr snarked.

Hoss made a fist. "Don't test me, buddy."

"So guys?" Irwin asked. "What do we do now, yo?"

"I want nachos!" Fred said.

Hoss shrugged. "Yeah, sure."

"I could eat," Skarr said.

"I'm in," Irwin said.

"Good call, buddy," Jeff added.

"Yes!" Fred said happily.

* * *

 _When monsters come to wreck your town  
And you need heroes to rescue you  
And the Super Friends just ain't around  
Then Underfist will rescue you  
It's what they do  
Oh yeah?  
Oh yeah.  
Oh yeah?  
Oh yeah.  
Oh yeah!  
Un-der  
Un-der  
Un-der un-der Underfist!  
Un-der un-der Underfist!  
When spiders took over the world  
A zombie army beat them down  
We were sure to become undead slaves  
But Underfist came back to town  
Call Underfist, be free, oh yeah  
Oh yeah?  
Oh yeah.  
Oh yeah!_

 _UNDERFIST, GO!_

* * *

Underfist Versus the Dinosaurs  
Underfist: Action Squad Miami  
Underfist Teaches Traffic Safety  
Underfist and the Poorly Dubbed Anime DVD  
Underfist: Easter Beatdown  
Underfist Babies  
Underfist v. Irwin Family Reunion


End file.
